30 years down the tube. That's what's happened ... everything that I ever owned, everything with some meaning in my life has been sold to strangers. Unknowing, uncaring strangers thousands of miles away in another land.
Why and how you ask? Because I fell back on my payments to the storage place in NYC - only by three months. So they auctioned everything off. They say they sent notice by registered mail but I didn't receive it. I could (and do want) to sue them but to what purpose? I don't have the money to sue. And it won't get my stuff back...
So my life is done. Gone. All the little things and the big things... everything I collected and put together - being pawed over, torn apart, thrown away, bought for probably 10 or 20 dollars.
Once before this has happened to me. When I left so many things behind in England. But I was younger then, more resilient about standing up to blows like this... now 30 years down... I am numb.
So what do I do? At the end of the day what does this make me? A failure that's what. Can't get a good job. No savings. At the mercy of fate. Maybe it's worth staying married to arse holes - at least I would have felt useless in the lap of luxury. So what if mental and emotional abuse would have been the price to pay... I wouldn't have had to worry about paying bills. Because the arse hole would have paid...
So now, here I am, as bare of possessions as the day I started out on my own.
Cest la vie...
Monday, July 28, 2008
Sunday, July 27, 2008
A mouthful of poison!
That's what I get when I am in an auto, stuck in a traffic jam at Nehru Place,Chirag Dilli, Moolchand intersection, Kotla signal... or wherever. The level of the auto is uniquely placed to ensure (guarantee?) that its passenger gets the full benefit of all the fumes belched out by cars, buses, mobikes, other autos - CNG be damned - trucks, you name it... any and every vehicle that is attached to a combustion engine. And I wonder...
I am surrounded by the hundreds and thousands who are at the receiving end of such emmisions. Walking on the roads, residing on the pavements, earning their living selling magazines and pushing carts, riding in over-crowded buses and, like me, in autos... and I wonder: what do they think, these have-nots, of the haves riding by in their cool, comfortable and protective air conditioned chariots?
Have they ever been exposed to the cacophony of horns (blown continuously), screams, shouts, gears crashing, motors whining, screeching tires, braking lorries and shouted invectives that fill the atmosphere around us - but against which they are safely cocooned? No, of course not! Otherwise, how could they look so cool and unconcerned and uncaring and disdainful (yes, disdainful!) behind the tinted windows of their multi-lakh cars?
Do they ever consider rising up, a la the Russians in the 1917 Revolution, and turn on the rich and the uncaring? Do the haves ever realise that this ever-growing, in your face, flaunting of wealth and privilege will, if not corrected some time soon, blow up in their faces in a vitriolic out-pouring of rage, resentment and envy?
Every age, every nation, every society has its haves and its have-nots... but if we consider the world today, very few have it in such close juxtaposition as we do. In our metros one crore rupee cars scrape shoulders with the rickshaw pullers; 17 crore helipads tower over the poorest of the poor, in shanty towns that are a moral indictment on any decent society. Do the haves even know the least thing about the squalour that surrounds them? Have they the faintest idea of the damage and poison that the riders in autos and cycles and pedestrians are exposed to?
Of course not. We are all depending on the age-old, traditional conditioning (that word again!)that the have-nots have been imbued with since time immemorial: this is our karma, it is written, it is our destiny to live our lives this way, we were born to this as were our forefathers - so be it. But, and this is a BIG but, India today is not the India that has been... young India will not not be so patient and long suffering. They have seen the other side and they want their rights. The right to a better life... amongst the haves. And they won't be shy about getting their way, by force if necessary. It's just a matter of time...
I am surrounded by the hundreds and thousands who are at the receiving end of such emmisions. Walking on the roads, residing on the pavements, earning their living selling magazines and pushing carts, riding in over-crowded buses and, like me, in autos... and I wonder: what do they think, these have-nots, of the haves riding by in their cool, comfortable and protective air conditioned chariots?
Have they ever been exposed to the cacophony of horns (blown continuously), screams, shouts, gears crashing, motors whining, screeching tires, braking lorries and shouted invectives that fill the atmosphere around us - but against which they are safely cocooned? No, of course not! Otherwise, how could they look so cool and unconcerned and uncaring and disdainful (yes, disdainful!) behind the tinted windows of their multi-lakh cars?
Do they ever consider rising up, a la the Russians in the 1917 Revolution, and turn on the rich and the uncaring? Do the haves ever realise that this ever-growing, in your face, flaunting of wealth and privilege will, if not corrected some time soon, blow up in their faces in a vitriolic out-pouring of rage, resentment and envy?
Every age, every nation, every society has its haves and its have-nots... but if we consider the world today, very few have it in such close juxtaposition as we do. In our metros one crore rupee cars scrape shoulders with the rickshaw pullers; 17 crore helipads tower over the poorest of the poor, in shanty towns that are a moral indictment on any decent society. Do the haves even know the least thing about the squalour that surrounds them? Have they the faintest idea of the damage and poison that the riders in autos and cycles and pedestrians are exposed to?
Of course not. We are all depending on the age-old, traditional conditioning (that word again!)that the have-nots have been imbued with since time immemorial: this is our karma, it is written, it is our destiny to live our lives this way, we were born to this as were our forefathers - so be it. But, and this is a BIG but, India today is not the India that has been... young India will not not be so patient and long suffering. They have seen the other side and they want their rights. The right to a better life... amongst the haves. And they won't be shy about getting their way, by force if necessary. It's just a matter of time...
A matter of conditioning?
Is everything we do or say a matter of conditioning? Does that mean that respect for parents and elders is up for debate and should not be taken for granted ONLY because we have been conditioned to do so? That the importance of good manners is up for debate because after all, that too is a matter of conditioning? Should we take a fresh look at the accepted societal prohibitions against murder, theft and all manner of dishonest behaviour just because we have been conditioned to accept these norms?
Why am I asking these questions? Because recently, two incidents occurred during which crass behaviour on the part of youngsters was actually condoned with the explanation that the behaviour was only considered 'crass' and "disrespectful' because we have been conditioned to do so.
In one case, a child told her father to shut up. On being reprimanded, her response was "but you are my father!" - the logic being if she can't tell her father to shut up, who could she say it to? My opinion? Not the father, not anyone! It was just gross bad manners - and if not corrected, likely to carry over into her adult life when it will be brought home to her forcebly that she can't get away with teling anyone to shut up!
In another case, a teenage boy tells his Mom not to be an idiot. The mother laughs it away... Since when is it right for a child to call his parent an idiot? Why would he ever want to respect her if she lets him get away with such crass bad manners? But I forget - good manners and respect and politeness are only society's conditioning. They are not necessarily correct or right or part of the mandate that society expects us to follow. We could debate these and do away with them.
After all, it's all a matter of conditioning! So is murder and mayhem and terrorism...
Why am I asking these questions? Because recently, two incidents occurred during which crass behaviour on the part of youngsters was actually condoned with the explanation that the behaviour was only considered 'crass' and "disrespectful' because we have been conditioned to do so.
In one case, a child told her father to shut up. On being reprimanded, her response was "but you are my father!" - the logic being if she can't tell her father to shut up, who could she say it to? My opinion? Not the father, not anyone! It was just gross bad manners - and if not corrected, likely to carry over into her adult life when it will be brought home to her forcebly that she can't get away with teling anyone to shut up!
In another case, a teenage boy tells his Mom not to be an idiot. The mother laughs it away... Since when is it right for a child to call his parent an idiot? Why would he ever want to respect her if she lets him get away with such crass bad manners? But I forget - good manners and respect and politeness are only society's conditioning. They are not necessarily correct or right or part of the mandate that society expects us to follow. We could debate these and do away with them.
After all, it's all a matter of conditioning! So is murder and mayhem and terrorism...
Sunday, July 13, 2008
The high cost of being a perfectionist.
Growing up, I used to often wonder why I never got into an argument concerning the heftier concerns in life - say politics, existentialism,the fate of mankind etc etc! - or into debates, discussions and diatribes. I am OK with one on one conversations but the moment I am faced with a group of people my knees turn to water! I used to wonder why...
Now after decades of soul searching I have come to some sort of conclusion: I didn't want to come off looking like an idiot.I didn't want to be thought of as an ignoramous. I didn't want to be laughed at. And, most importantly, I didn't ever want to be thought of as less than perfect in everything I did, do and know.
That I think is a problem with quite a few people!
People who carry a personal responsibility for the failures of others - friends, family and colleagues. People who take it as a personal affront when others fail the company, the job, the assignment.
While, as a boss, one is of course accountable but beyond a point one cannot carry the load for the rest of the world or at least folks one has to work with. There is a limit to accountability, responsibility and carrying the can. Even Steve Jobs and Bill Gates can't be held responsible for hardware failures and software glitches their products suffer from! Failings that their companies, and the workers therein, could be and should be held accountable for.
The problem is that a perfectionist will always feel that he/she is making excuses should some small cog in the corporate machine fail him/her. These individuals are convinced that in explaining failures of the system will be thought off as rationalising, and reflect badly on them. That they will be letting all and sundry down.
I don't agree. Because perfectionists very rarely fail nor will they allow others to fail them. Generally. But occasionally it does happen. A weak link in the chain does snap... and when that happens one shouldn't take on unbearable loads because under stress the strongest link can, in the greater scheme of things, suddenly become the weakest by snapping at a critical juncture, at the wrong time when everyone else is depending on that link standing firm and strong.
So my point is that sometimes one stops thinking and worrying about holding up the universe on one's shoulders and thinks solely of holding oneself up so that one survives the storm, lets the person concerned take the fall... Because it's most important that you remain strong to fight for the greater good another day.
At one point in my life I wanted to be superwoman: superwife, supermom and supercareer woman. I found out that not only was I not being "super" at anything, I was being less than adequate at everything.(I did fail as a wife after all. That too twice!) So I decided that I would have to be the best I could at the various jobs depending on the need of the hour. That made life much simpler for me and took the soul searching out of everyday life...
Perfectionism comes at a high cost. Sometimes the cost is not worth it...
Now after decades of soul searching I have come to some sort of conclusion: I didn't want to come off looking like an idiot.I didn't want to be thought of as an ignoramous. I didn't want to be laughed at. And, most importantly, I didn't ever want to be thought of as less than perfect in everything I did, do and know.
That I think is a problem with quite a few people!
People who carry a personal responsibility for the failures of others - friends, family and colleagues. People who take it as a personal affront when others fail the company, the job, the assignment.
While, as a boss, one is of course accountable but beyond a point one cannot carry the load for the rest of the world or at least folks one has to work with. There is a limit to accountability, responsibility and carrying the can. Even Steve Jobs and Bill Gates can't be held responsible for hardware failures and software glitches their products suffer from! Failings that their companies, and the workers therein, could be and should be held accountable for.
The problem is that a perfectionist will always feel that he/she is making excuses should some small cog in the corporate machine fail him/her. These individuals are convinced that in explaining failures of the system will be thought off as rationalising, and reflect badly on them. That they will be letting all and sundry down.
I don't agree. Because perfectionists very rarely fail nor will they allow others to fail them. Generally. But occasionally it does happen. A weak link in the chain does snap... and when that happens one shouldn't take on unbearable loads because under stress the strongest link can, in the greater scheme of things, suddenly become the weakest by snapping at a critical juncture, at the wrong time when everyone else is depending on that link standing firm and strong.
So my point is that sometimes one stops thinking and worrying about holding up the universe on one's shoulders and thinks solely of holding oneself up so that one survives the storm, lets the person concerned take the fall... Because it's most important that you remain strong to fight for the greater good another day.
At one point in my life I wanted to be superwoman: superwife, supermom and supercareer woman. I found out that not only was I not being "super" at anything, I was being less than adequate at everything.(I did fail as a wife after all. That too twice!) So I decided that I would have to be the best I could at the various jobs depending on the need of the hour. That made life much simpler for me and took the soul searching out of everyday life...
Perfectionism comes at a high cost. Sometimes the cost is not worth it...
Saturday, July 5, 2008
Is divorce still a dirty word?
So it seems. Though the statistics say that the incidence of divorces is a rising graph,
there are women I know and am very fond off who are still fighting shy of it.
Even though they have more than enough reasons for leaving their unworthy insignificant
other halves to their dirty devices! The reasons are many and varied...!
Must hang in there for the kids' sake. What if the kids are all grown up and doing their own thing?
Do they really need you or does saying this make YOU feel more needed?
I won't get what's due to me. How can I support myself? From the guy's hoarded wealth of course, how else!!!
My conditioning is against divorce. Your conditioning is no linger valid, for God's sake! We are living
in the 21st century - wake up and smell the coffee!
What is society going to say! Who the hell cares? Is society going to come and help you out when you are
getting emotionally and physically battered and bruised? And verbally abused?
And the best of all... I don't have the guts. I am not strong like you! Guess what? I wasn't strong like me
when I got divorced either... I was making a leap in the dark because I didn't want to end up at the age of 60
doing something I was better equipped to handle at the age of 35!
I became strong over the years because I HAD to, living and surviving as I was in a man's world. Because that's
what it was, and still is, and let's not fool ourselves.Dare I say it? I became more like a man! That's what I
have been accused of by a dear friend of mine who is a man. Not feminine enough I was told!
Why did I do it? Because I didn't want to live my life at the beck and call of MY significant other half (halves!) -
compromising, giving, being nice and massaging the very fragile egos that only men have the right to have, looking
after hearth and home while going out to work etc etc.
I contemplated a life which seemed to stretch like a dark, endless tunnel with NO light at the end and figured that
it was better to get used to it, then, than have to do so at the ripe old age of 50 or 60 plus. When you don't have
a choice and can't do anything about anything because one's options are so limited.
Of course, being a divorcee I was at the receiving end of lots of comments, snide opinions and nasty talk including
(by men) "Hey, she is a divorcee. Must be an easy lay...must be desperate to have a man in her life!" You wish!
So here I am. At the ripe old age of almost 60 contemplating (yes, I must admit it) growing even older without a man
by my side - ooohhh, horrible thought, but you know what? I have done so for over 25 years and will continue to do so
for the rest of my life or what's left of it.
I have to still earn my own living but then I know women who are still earning a living while the men in their lives
sit and brood at home, refusing to work any more! So how are they better off than me? At least I don't have to put up
with the frustrations these guys take out on their wives!
I don't have to put up with mood swings, depressions, bouts of new found spirituality, maniacal behaviour, whims and fancies, superstitions, egotistical outbursts, idiotic demands, their trophy girlfriends and bimbo mistresses - ad infinitum, ad nauseum.
Today, I live my life on my terms. My way, as Frankie boy has warbled down the years. Yes, there is uncertainty, there is aloneness (not loneliness!); but all these women who can't, don't, won't leave their husbands, who hang like millstones around their necks (the husbands I mean) are they less uncertain, insecure and alone?
I don't think so.
there are women I know and am very fond off who are still fighting shy of it.
Even though they have more than enough reasons for leaving their unworthy insignificant
other halves to their dirty devices! The reasons are many and varied...!
Must hang in there for the kids' sake. What if the kids are all grown up and doing their own thing?
Do they really need you or does saying this make YOU feel more needed?
I won't get what's due to me. How can I support myself? From the guy's hoarded wealth of course, how else!!!
My conditioning is against divorce. Your conditioning is no linger valid, for God's sake! We are living
in the 21st century - wake up and smell the coffee!
What is society going to say! Who the hell cares? Is society going to come and help you out when you are
getting emotionally and physically battered and bruised? And verbally abused?
And the best of all... I don't have the guts. I am not strong like you! Guess what? I wasn't strong like me
when I got divorced either... I was making a leap in the dark because I didn't want to end up at the age of 60
doing something I was better equipped to handle at the age of 35!
I became strong over the years because I HAD to, living and surviving as I was in a man's world. Because that's
what it was, and still is, and let's not fool ourselves.Dare I say it? I became more like a man! That's what I
have been accused of by a dear friend of mine who is a man. Not feminine enough I was told!
Why did I do it? Because I didn't want to live my life at the beck and call of MY significant other half (halves!) -
compromising, giving, being nice and massaging the very fragile egos that only men have the right to have, looking
after hearth and home while going out to work etc etc.
I contemplated a life which seemed to stretch like a dark, endless tunnel with NO light at the end and figured that
it was better to get used to it, then, than have to do so at the ripe old age of 50 or 60 plus. When you don't have
a choice and can't do anything about anything because one's options are so limited.
Of course, being a divorcee I was at the receiving end of lots of comments, snide opinions and nasty talk including
(by men) "Hey, she is a divorcee. Must be an easy lay...must be desperate to have a man in her life!" You wish!
So here I am. At the ripe old age of almost 60 contemplating (yes, I must admit it) growing even older without a man
by my side - ooohhh, horrible thought, but you know what? I have done so for over 25 years and will continue to do so
for the rest of my life or what's left of it.
I have to still earn my own living but then I know women who are still earning a living while the men in their lives
sit and brood at home, refusing to work any more! So how are they better off than me? At least I don't have to put up
with the frustrations these guys take out on their wives!
I don't have to put up with mood swings, depressions, bouts of new found spirituality, maniacal behaviour, whims and fancies, superstitions, egotistical outbursts, idiotic demands, their trophy girlfriends and bimbo mistresses - ad infinitum, ad nauseum.
Today, I live my life on my terms. My way, as Frankie boy has warbled down the years. Yes, there is uncertainty, there is aloneness (not loneliness!); but all these women who can't, don't, won't leave their husbands, who hang like millstones around their necks (the husbands I mean) are they less uncertain, insecure and alone?
I don't think so.
Friday, July 4, 2008
Why can't I see life in multi-colours?
My sis goes up into the mountains and waxes lyrical!Poetry
sprouts from her heart and mind like streams in the early spring!
I am down in the plains and see everything in monochrome.
My son blogs and sees the funny side of life!
I blog and all I do (so I have been told!) is whine and whinge.
So do they see a half full bottle? And I see it as half-empty?
And I have always been considered the optimist with the Cheshire
cat grin an my face... 24/7!
So what happened? Where did my groove go?
I often wonder, as the auto drivers navigate their way full pelt
down the madness and mayhem that stand for roads in Delhi, why
I can't see what the gushing tourist sees...
They see colour and vibrance and energy and life...
I see crazy people crossing roads with nary a thought for the
traffic bearing down on them... risking their lives and others!
They see exotic "holy cows" and I see dirty bovines that are
hazards to life and limb.
They see a maelstrom of buildings, old and new; age old heritage
and culture living cheek by jowl with modernity and high tech;
they see every conceivable mode of transport adding a touch
of ethnic pride and Indian ingenuity to everyday life.
I see crumbling ruins badly in need of make-overs, electrical
connections that are death traps,dirt and garbage that only
breed disease and death and people who are all out to make a buck
by any means possible regardless of the morals involved.
So why is it I can't see life the way I used to? Full of dreams,
promises and endless possibilities? Why?
Dare I say it? Am I actually getting old?????
sprouts from her heart and mind like streams in the early spring!
I am down in the plains and see everything in monochrome.
My son blogs and sees the funny side of life!
I blog and all I do (so I have been told!) is whine and whinge.
So do they see a half full bottle? And I see it as half-empty?
And I have always been considered the optimist with the Cheshire
cat grin an my face... 24/7!
So what happened? Where did my groove go?
I often wonder, as the auto drivers navigate their way full pelt
down the madness and mayhem that stand for roads in Delhi, why
I can't see what the gushing tourist sees...
They see colour and vibrance and energy and life...
I see crazy people crossing roads with nary a thought for the
traffic bearing down on them... risking their lives and others!
They see exotic "holy cows" and I see dirty bovines that are
hazards to life and limb.
They see a maelstrom of buildings, old and new; age old heritage
and culture living cheek by jowl with modernity and high tech;
they see every conceivable mode of transport adding a touch
of ethnic pride and Indian ingenuity to everyday life.
I see crumbling ruins badly in need of make-overs, electrical
connections that are death traps,dirt and garbage that only
breed disease and death and people who are all out to make a buck
by any means possible regardless of the morals involved.
So why is it I can't see life the way I used to? Full of dreams,
promises and endless possibilities? Why?
Dare I say it? Am I actually getting old?????
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