…with due apologies to John Osbourne and with a slight twist in the tale!
Unfortunately we all do…look back with varying degrees of anger at what has happened in the past but can never be changed…An anger that is often born out of feelings of guilt, regrets (most often not even acknowledged), helplessness in the face of “what might have beens” and destroyed relationships that we didn’t at the time think worth saving out of pride, obstinacy and a refusal to face facts and accept people and situations for what they are and not what we would have liked them to be…
Life, as they say, is a bummer!
But it is what it is…so we all have different ways of dealing with the past.
Some pretend it never happened…
Others pretend they don’t care…
Some say they have moved on but often let slip stray phrases coated with bitterness…
Then there are those who allow their whole attitude and expectations (or lack thereof) to be coloured by incidents and people who have played important roles in their lives…
To me, the saddest change that takes place is when people turn away from the living who may have let them down and make heroes of those who are no longer living…
This actually happens all the time…
With icons who have died prematurely – think Lennon, Dean or Monroe…
Politicians who have been assassinated and who have left promises and potential unfullfilled – think JFK, Bobby Kennedy et al…
Long dead politicians and leaders who are deified and worshiped because the living ones have betrayed and let down people – think Gandhi and Nehru…
And, in everyday life, we have often turned to those who have died (especially if they have died before their time) in preference to the living…because the dead can never disappoint or let us down, they will remain all that’s good, kind and loving because we will never see them grow old and cranky, full of their share of human failings and foibles and, God forbid, who might have let us down also…
Unfortunately the world is full of the living.
People who we once were close to, whom we cared about… and who cared about us.
People we have thrown out of our lives due to misunderstandings, fights, disagreements, difference of opinions and expectations, people we look back with disdain, contempt, a harsh and unyielding anger because they turned out to be human…normal, standard issue humans with faults and failings and everything else that makes us part of the human race…
Life is too short to let the past rule our present. Most of us realise this when it’s too late to make amends, to repair the bonds, to re-establish relationships, to say let’s make a new beginning and not look back in anger…
And that is truly sad.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Life Lines: Moms of the world unite!
Because it's time to stand up and be counted! And why do I say this? Because, whether we like it or not, moms are the most down-trodden, under-rated ("Oh? You are only a stay at home mom?" said with a smirk and a pitying look in the eye!) work horse, load-carrying multi-armed machine put on this earth!
Mom is put upon: "Mom! I need this project finished by tomorrow morning!" said with a wail at 10 pm at night.
Mom is taken for granted: "Mom! I'm bringing my hommies over for dinner!" flung over a shoulder when off spring exits the house at 5 p.m for basket ball practice. Or just to hang out at the coffee shop.
Mom is a warm, fluffy, comfort blanket: "Mom! John (Arun, Deepak, Stan, Wilberforce, whatever!) dumped me!" Or "Mom, that hurts!" Or "Mom! I am feeling sick..."
Mom is a part of the furniture to be sat upon 24x7: Mom! Dilip's (Jack, Greg, Rahul, Rohan, whatever!) Mom is always at home, everyday. Why do you have to go out to work...shop...meet a friend...whatever?" (Maybe she has to work? Maybe she needs a break?").
Mom is the eternal piggy bank: "Mom! I need 10 bucks. Pleeeeeze!"
Mom is the sturdy bulwark to hide behind:" Go on! Scoot! I will speak to your Dad...teacher...coach...whatever!"
Mom is the event manager:"Right, I will pick you up from school, drop your sister off at ballet class, get the chart paper you want for tomorrow's art class, get your dinner ready, come and pick you and you sister up and get you home quickly so we can get your home work done on time. By the way, your Dad's working late again today!"
Mom is the supreme politician: "So, OK. You want to kill your brother, strangle your little sister, never ever speak to your Dad? Ok, let's sit down and talk this over shall we?" Oralternatively, "Go to your room and don't come out till you have calmed down!"
Mom's scream:"Right! That's it! I have had enough! I am leaving...and NEVER, EVER coming back!" accompanied by sound of door slamming... and opening a couple of minutes later...
Mom is the best chef in the world, and sometimes not but still willing, to cook up a storm: "So there you are...chicken curry for you, ham sandwiches and fries for you and grilled fish for you."
In the meanwhile Dad, if he is around, is in the office. Working late. Again! For reasons best known to him...
And a working Mom has it even worse...because she is often blamed for going out and earning a living. After all, who gives a hoot about the money that is needed to make two ends meet? But, God forbid, if the Mom works because she actually has a career...that is absolutely the worst, most selfish reason for having a job!
But one day, things change. Life changes. The kids grow up. And Mom is suddenly not important at all...
In fact, sometimes Mom doesn't even exist (after all it's soppy to need your Mom once you are all grown up at 15 or 20 or 25 or even more). Unless of course you have kids off your own and then Mom becomes all-important again! Most often as a baby sitter and sometimes because suddenly you sympathise with all that your Mom has been through!
Quite often, Mom ends up as a punching bag and the reason de etre for all that may have gone wrong in your lives: failed relationships, disappointing careers, lack of self-esteem, things that haven't been done and can't be rectified, feelings of guilt, goals unmet, an array of "what ifs" and "if onlies".
Mom is easy to blame. She will never retaliate, never hurt, never speak the truth that is difficult for the child (even the grown up child) to swallow, never not be there when called upon, never, ever do anything that will cause the child to exit her life...and, perhaps, never come back! Oh no!
Because when all's said and done, Mom is a coward when it comes to losing her child's love. It's so easy to keep Mom in line. All the child has to do is say, "Mom, I love you." And all is well with the world!
Mom is put upon: "Mom! I need this project finished by tomorrow morning!" said with a wail at 10 pm at night.
Mom is taken for granted: "Mom! I'm bringing my hommies over for dinner!" flung over a shoulder when off spring exits the house at 5 p.m for basket ball practice. Or just to hang out at the coffee shop.
Mom is a warm, fluffy, comfort blanket: "Mom! John (Arun, Deepak, Stan, Wilberforce, whatever!) dumped me!" Or "Mom, that hurts!" Or "Mom! I am feeling sick..."
Mom is a part of the furniture to be sat upon 24x7: Mom! Dilip's (Jack, Greg, Rahul, Rohan, whatever!) Mom is always at home, everyday. Why do you have to go out to work...shop...meet a friend...whatever?" (Maybe she has to work? Maybe she needs a break?").
Mom is the eternal piggy bank: "Mom! I need 10 bucks. Pleeeeeze!"
Mom is the sturdy bulwark to hide behind:" Go on! Scoot! I will speak to your Dad...teacher...coach...whatever!"
Mom is the event manager:"Right, I will pick you up from school, drop your sister off at ballet class, get the chart paper you want for tomorrow's art class, get your dinner ready, come and pick you and you sister up and get you home quickly so we can get your home work done on time. By the way, your Dad's working late again today!"
Mom is the supreme politician: "So, OK. You want to kill your brother, strangle your little sister, never ever speak to your Dad? Ok, let's sit down and talk this over shall we?" Oralternatively, "Go to your room and don't come out till you have calmed down!"
Mom's scream:"Right! That's it! I have had enough! I am leaving...and NEVER, EVER coming back!" accompanied by sound of door slamming... and opening a couple of minutes later...
Mom is the best chef in the world, and sometimes not but still willing, to cook up a storm: "So there you are...chicken curry for you, ham sandwiches and fries for you and grilled fish for you."
In the meanwhile Dad, if he is around, is in the office. Working late. Again! For reasons best known to him...
And a working Mom has it even worse...because she is often blamed for going out and earning a living. After all, who gives a hoot about the money that is needed to make two ends meet? But, God forbid, if the Mom works because she actually has a career...that is absolutely the worst, most selfish reason for having a job!
But one day, things change. Life changes. The kids grow up. And Mom is suddenly not important at all...
In fact, sometimes Mom doesn't even exist (after all it's soppy to need your Mom once you are all grown up at 15 or 20 or 25 or even more). Unless of course you have kids off your own and then Mom becomes all-important again! Most often as a baby sitter and sometimes because suddenly you sympathise with all that your Mom has been through!
Quite often, Mom ends up as a punching bag and the reason de etre for all that may have gone wrong in your lives: failed relationships, disappointing careers, lack of self-esteem, things that haven't been done and can't be rectified, feelings of guilt, goals unmet, an array of "what ifs" and "if onlies".
Mom is easy to blame. She will never retaliate, never hurt, never speak the truth that is difficult for the child (even the grown up child) to swallow, never not be there when called upon, never, ever do anything that will cause the child to exit her life...and, perhaps, never come back! Oh no!
Because when all's said and done, Mom is a coward when it comes to losing her child's love. It's so easy to keep Mom in line. All the child has to do is say, "Mom, I love you." And all is well with the world!
Life Lines: Great Expectations!
Those who are familiar with Charles Dicken’s works will know how that book ended. And in life as in fiction, expectations of any kind tend to vanish when self-interest comes to the fore.
The nicest of people turn into monsters of selfishness when numero uno is threatened…
I know I have always maintained that expectations of any sort is likely to end in tragedy. And there are philosophies and religions that maintain that detachment should be the mantra to live by…
But then why are we human beings endowed with feelings and sentiments? Why are we not more like animals who after their kids have grown up leave the youngsters to their own devices. And move on…finding new mates, new friends and having more kids whom they will again detach themselves from?
What makes us different from the rest of the animal kingdom other than our grey matter?
Feelings. Attachments. The sense of belonging. Of being close to those whom we love and admire. Interdependence. Caring. And yes, expectations… The expectations that there are a few people in the world whom we can call upon to be there when we need them. To whom we can talk and confide in. Who will be there – a shoulder to lean on, a willing ear to talk to, a helping hand to pull one out of the crisis one may be facing..
These are all expectations…and it’s the least we all expect from those who matter to us and to whom, hopefully, we also matter.
Parents have expectations of their children regardless of what they might say about not having any. As do children of parents. Husbands and wives have expectations. Siblings have expectations of each other. As do friends… On a larger scale, to paraphrase JFK, “Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country”, sums up the expectations a country has of its citizens and vice versa.
And when those expectations don’t materialise then the disappointment is soul destroying. That is an undeniable fact… There are situations when we all have not lived up to some one’s expectations. Explaining why we did not needs to be explained carefully if the relationship matters at all to us. But to just yank the rug out from under a friend, relation, sibling or friend can be devastating, totally uncalled for and cruel. We all owe people we care about an explanation…
The worst kind of hurt cames from those who have always stood by us and then changed…from being a rock they turn into shifting sands. There are those who listen to others who are not used to close relationships and preach detachment
There are those who maybe have been hurt because they have been let down by people who were thought to be paragons of responsibility…and then they vow not to get close to anyone and detach themselves so they won’t get hurt again..,
And, by putting a wide chasm between themselves and those they were previously close to, they destroy even the most basic of expectations…that of the love shared between two people.
Those who say they have NO expectations of anyone say it because they have been hurt and don’t wish to be hurt again.
Those who say they will only look out for themselves are trying to prevent themselves getting hurt…
Those who let go of old relationships and are constantly looking for new ones do so because they don’t want to get involved to the extent that people will have certain expectations of them and they will have to carry the “burden” of these expectations…
Gone are the days when we looked around us and were pretty certain that those who are close to us will remain so…Gone are the days when people who were drifting apart could talk to each other, one on one,and sort things out.
Today, in this age of instant and constant communications, we have all stopped communicating meaningfully…yes, we are all wired to each other, but with no difference between those who matter and those who don’t. We make new relationships all the time and move on all the time…
But when push comes to shove, even animals stand by each other in moments of crisis. Which is more than can be said of a lot of humans who divest themselves of friends and family as easily as changing clothes.
The nicest of people turn into monsters of selfishness when numero uno is threatened…
I know I have always maintained that expectations of any sort is likely to end in tragedy. And there are philosophies and religions that maintain that detachment should be the mantra to live by…
But then why are we human beings endowed with feelings and sentiments? Why are we not more like animals who after their kids have grown up leave the youngsters to their own devices. And move on…finding new mates, new friends and having more kids whom they will again detach themselves from?
What makes us different from the rest of the animal kingdom other than our grey matter?
Feelings. Attachments. The sense of belonging. Of being close to those whom we love and admire. Interdependence. Caring. And yes, expectations… The expectations that there are a few people in the world whom we can call upon to be there when we need them. To whom we can talk and confide in. Who will be there – a shoulder to lean on, a willing ear to talk to, a helping hand to pull one out of the crisis one may be facing..
These are all expectations…and it’s the least we all expect from those who matter to us and to whom, hopefully, we also matter.
Parents have expectations of their children regardless of what they might say about not having any. As do children of parents. Husbands and wives have expectations. Siblings have expectations of each other. As do friends… On a larger scale, to paraphrase JFK, “Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country”, sums up the expectations a country has of its citizens and vice versa.
And when those expectations don’t materialise then the disappointment is soul destroying. That is an undeniable fact… There are situations when we all have not lived up to some one’s expectations. Explaining why we did not needs to be explained carefully if the relationship matters at all to us. But to just yank the rug out from under a friend, relation, sibling or friend can be devastating, totally uncalled for and cruel. We all owe people we care about an explanation…
The worst kind of hurt cames from those who have always stood by us and then changed…from being a rock they turn into shifting sands. There are those who listen to others who are not used to close relationships and preach detachment
There are those who maybe have been hurt because they have been let down by people who were thought to be paragons of responsibility…and then they vow not to get close to anyone and detach themselves so they won’t get hurt again..,
And, by putting a wide chasm between themselves and those they were previously close to, they destroy even the most basic of expectations…that of the love shared between two people.
Those who say they have NO expectations of anyone say it because they have been hurt and don’t wish to be hurt again.
Those who say they will only look out for themselves are trying to prevent themselves getting hurt…
Those who let go of old relationships and are constantly looking for new ones do so because they don’t want to get involved to the extent that people will have certain expectations of them and they will have to carry the “burden” of these expectations…
Gone are the days when we looked around us and were pretty certain that those who are close to us will remain so…Gone are the days when people who were drifting apart could talk to each other, one on one,and sort things out.
Today, in this age of instant and constant communications, we have all stopped communicating meaningfully…yes, we are all wired to each other, but with no difference between those who matter and those who don’t. We make new relationships all the time and move on all the time…
But when push comes to shove, even animals stand by each other in moments of crisis. Which is more than can be said of a lot of humans who divest themselves of friends and family as easily as changing clothes.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
On moving on...
What do you think, my dear non-existent readers? Do relationships have "sell by" dates? I think they do! I think people come into one's life at a certain time for a certain purpose and when that purpose is fulfilled, for good or bad, we move on. It's a brutal truth, but a truth it is.
Actually people can come into one's life while at school, college or job... And we build relationships that outlast life's stormy passage (My! Doesn't that sound almost lyrical?). We hang on to each other - over 10, 20, 30, 40 years. Help each other. Support each other. Lend and borrow shoulder's to cry on. Laugh and gossip and set up working partnerships and party and drink and a whole host of other stuff.
And then one day, suddenly, it's all over. You don't meet, don't talk, don't call, don't even email! And you realise it's all over - and probably over something so silly, so infinitesimal that it's quite unbelievable! I don't know whether it's ego, pride or what have you but it's like both parties have decided that that's it. Full stop. And you move on...
Really is life all about moving on? We all take decisions that impact others' lives. A positive move for one person can negatively impact someone else's life. So should one not make that move? Should one change one's mind because by so doing one is not going to upset others' lives even though it might play havoc with one's own? To what extent should one place others' interests and happiness over one's own? What price sacrifice? Should one move on turning a deaf ear and blind eye to the impact one's actions have?
We have stepped into 2009. And my resolution was to look forward and not back. To move on and make a fresh start... and I intend to do just that. So then why do I not get in touch with somebody just because I think the other person should be the one to make the first move? Why am I even being just that bit egotistic? Am I just being human and normal? And just like the rest of humanity? Did I set my sights too high for 2009? I don't know! I guess those who know me will volunteer a zillion opinions! I guess I will have to find out for myself and for that I will have to move on... into a new year and a new beginning!
In 2009!
Actually people can come into one's life while at school, college or job... And we build relationships that outlast life's stormy passage (My! Doesn't that sound almost lyrical?). We hang on to each other - over 10, 20, 30, 40 years. Help each other. Support each other. Lend and borrow shoulder's to cry on. Laugh and gossip and set up working partnerships and party and drink and a whole host of other stuff.
And then one day, suddenly, it's all over. You don't meet, don't talk, don't call, don't even email! And you realise it's all over - and probably over something so silly, so infinitesimal that it's quite unbelievable! I don't know whether it's ego, pride or what have you but it's like both parties have decided that that's it. Full stop. And you move on...
Really is life all about moving on? We all take decisions that impact others' lives. A positive move for one person can negatively impact someone else's life. So should one not make that move? Should one change one's mind because by so doing one is not going to upset others' lives even though it might play havoc with one's own? To what extent should one place others' interests and happiness over one's own? What price sacrifice? Should one move on turning a deaf ear and blind eye to the impact one's actions have?
We have stepped into 2009. And my resolution was to look forward and not back. To move on and make a fresh start... and I intend to do just that. So then why do I not get in touch with somebody just because I think the other person should be the one to make the first move? Why am I even being just that bit egotistic? Am I just being human and normal? And just like the rest of humanity? Did I set my sights too high for 2009? I don't know! I guess those who know me will volunteer a zillion opinions! I guess I will have to find out for myself and for that I will have to move on... into a new year and a new beginning!
In 2009!
Saturday, December 27, 2008
A slightly in advance New Year Resolution...
No regrets.
No repining.
No bitterness.
No apologies.
No reproaches.
No mea culpas.
I shall NOT look back. I shall ONLY look forward.
No repining.
No bitterness.
No apologies.
No reproaches.
No mea culpas.
I shall NOT look back. I shall ONLY look forward.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
When to forgive and when to forget...
Ever since I remember, my nearest and dearest have maintained that I forgive and forget too easily. How can you forget that slight, they hissed at me! How can you take people at face value, they muttered, what if he/she stabs you in the back? My problem, it seems was to actually TRUST people. An even bigger problem, it seemed, was I didn't hold grudges,forgave too readily, was willing to move on, even go on being friends with those who have stabbed me in the back.In short,I am a fool just waiting to be trod on, trampled under and generally reduced to being a gullible idiot.
Well so be it... speaking for myself that's the way I am. And, regardless of the consequences, I like being the way I am and will continue to do so...
But, what really begs the question is this: when should one forgive and forget? When should one turn one's cheek and when should one carry the whole weight of hurts and slights from the distant past into the far future? Should the baggage of hatred burden one to the extent that just thinking of the people who have hurt you makes you burst into a virulent rage... accompanied by some choice four letter words that sear the very atmosphere.
I know people who carry their slights and hurts, sometimes imagined, sometimes not, around with them letting their insides erode with hatred and anger. I know some who put people up on pedestals (even though they didn't ask for this particular perch in life)and then cavil about the fact that they feel let down and hurt and intransigent about the whole deal. And they continue to feel this way for ever and ever...
Then there are people who take up the cudgels on anther's behalf, making someone else's fight their own, and carry this particular grudge for the rest of their lives - uselessly allowing it to drown out memories of happier times, a once-upon-a-time great relationship - letting the poison of rancor and bitterness eat into their very souls.
Why? What's the point of it all?
What's wrong with putting everything behind one, leaving behind the detritus of a ruined relationship and forging a new, kindlier one - which could perhaps be no more than just saying a cheerful "hi" - and carrying on without all that embittered baggage which is bound to affect, influence and perhaps destroy other, new and promising relationships?
Because the past always influences the future. Constant bitterness, constant rehashing of past hurts and slights and insults corode... changing the way you are, permanently disabling your very being, your inner soul, warping your emotions and turning you into a person you perhaps may not recognise years down the road.
At that point you don't want to ask yourself: what happened to me? When did I change? What made me change? Where did I go wrong? Why am I all alone today? Because at that point it may be too late to do anything about it...
Well so be it... speaking for myself that's the way I am. And, regardless of the consequences, I like being the way I am and will continue to do so...
But, what really begs the question is this: when should one forgive and forget? When should one turn one's cheek and when should one carry the whole weight of hurts and slights from the distant past into the far future? Should the baggage of hatred burden one to the extent that just thinking of the people who have hurt you makes you burst into a virulent rage... accompanied by some choice four letter words that sear the very atmosphere.
I know people who carry their slights and hurts, sometimes imagined, sometimes not, around with them letting their insides erode with hatred and anger. I know some who put people up on pedestals (even though they didn't ask for this particular perch in life)and then cavil about the fact that they feel let down and hurt and intransigent about the whole deal. And they continue to feel this way for ever and ever...
Then there are people who take up the cudgels on anther's behalf, making someone else's fight their own, and carry this particular grudge for the rest of their lives - uselessly allowing it to drown out memories of happier times, a once-upon-a-time great relationship - letting the poison of rancor and bitterness eat into their very souls.
Why? What's the point of it all?
What's wrong with putting everything behind one, leaving behind the detritus of a ruined relationship and forging a new, kindlier one - which could perhaps be no more than just saying a cheerful "hi" - and carrying on without all that embittered baggage which is bound to affect, influence and perhaps destroy other, new and promising relationships?
Because the past always influences the future. Constant bitterness, constant rehashing of past hurts and slights and insults corode... changing the way you are, permanently disabling your very being, your inner soul, warping your emotions and turning you into a person you perhaps may not recognise years down the road.
At that point you don't want to ask yourself: what happened to me? When did I change? What made me change? Where did I go wrong? Why am I all alone today? Because at that point it may be too late to do anything about it...
Thursday, December 18, 2008
What price advice?
Why oh why do people ask for advice?
Most people don't follow it when given. In fact, most people don't even like listening to it even though they actually ask for it or bring up the topic...
So why even ask? Just do what you think is right and then go for it, dude!!!
My friends and family have accused me of never listening to advice! Why should I if I don't intend to follow it, by and large? I will listen, factor it into my arguments and then do what I think is right... I have had friends who have...
Complained that people talk about them, interfere in their decision making process and so forth. My advice? Don't tell the world about your problems and they won't interfere! Simple.
When I left my first husband, my parents or siblings were totally unaware of my intentions. They didn't even know I had any problems. It was a decision I took, on my own...
I had another friend (past tense: she used to dump on me and then got upset because she didn't like what I told her!)who, for years, stressed out about whether she should leave her significant other half. Or not. She didn't. Nada! Nyet! Non! And why not? According to her, there were many reasons why not - kids, money, property, you name it, she got a reason that fits.
Methinks the lady doth protesteth too much! And rationalizing... who wants to give up wealth, comfort, convenience, social standing for an unknown future? Perfectly understandable but then admit it. Don't fool yourself that your reasons are anything other than what they are!
People rationalize quitting jobs... moving countries... cutting connections with friends... accepting or not accepting promotions. All I have to say is this: you can fool others most of the time, but stop fooling yourself!
Ultimately, you have to look at yourself in the mirror every morning and face up to realty. And the realty is: no pain, no gain.
Most people don't follow it when given. In fact, most people don't even like listening to it even though they actually ask for it or bring up the topic...
So why even ask? Just do what you think is right and then go for it, dude!!!
My friends and family have accused me of never listening to advice! Why should I if I don't intend to follow it, by and large? I will listen, factor it into my arguments and then do what I think is right... I have had friends who have...
Complained that people talk about them, interfere in their decision making process and so forth. My advice? Don't tell the world about your problems and they won't interfere! Simple.
When I left my first husband, my parents or siblings were totally unaware of my intentions. They didn't even know I had any problems. It was a decision I took, on my own...
I had another friend (past tense: she used to dump on me and then got upset because she didn't like what I told her!)who, for years, stressed out about whether she should leave her significant other half. Or not. She didn't. Nada! Nyet! Non! And why not? According to her, there were many reasons why not - kids, money, property, you name it, she got a reason that fits.
Methinks the lady doth protesteth too much! And rationalizing... who wants to give up wealth, comfort, convenience, social standing for an unknown future? Perfectly understandable but then admit it. Don't fool yourself that your reasons are anything other than what they are!
People rationalize quitting jobs... moving countries... cutting connections with friends... accepting or not accepting promotions. All I have to say is this: you can fool others most of the time, but stop fooling yourself!
Ultimately, you have to look at yourself in the mirror every morning and face up to realty. And the realty is: no pain, no gain.
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