No regrets.
No repining.
No bitterness.
No apologies.
No reproaches.
No mea culpas.
I shall NOT look back. I shall ONLY look forward.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
When to forgive and when to forget...
Ever since I remember, my nearest and dearest have maintained that I forgive and forget too easily. How can you forget that slight, they hissed at me! How can you take people at face value, they muttered, what if he/she stabs you in the back? My problem, it seems was to actually TRUST people. An even bigger problem, it seemed, was I didn't hold grudges,forgave too readily, was willing to move on, even go on being friends with those who have stabbed me in the back.In short,I am a fool just waiting to be trod on, trampled under and generally reduced to being a gullible idiot.
Well so be it... speaking for myself that's the way I am. And, regardless of the consequences, I like being the way I am and will continue to do so...
But, what really begs the question is this: when should one forgive and forget? When should one turn one's cheek and when should one carry the whole weight of hurts and slights from the distant past into the far future? Should the baggage of hatred burden one to the extent that just thinking of the people who have hurt you makes you burst into a virulent rage... accompanied by some choice four letter words that sear the very atmosphere.
I know people who carry their slights and hurts, sometimes imagined, sometimes not, around with them letting their insides erode with hatred and anger. I know some who put people up on pedestals (even though they didn't ask for this particular perch in life)and then cavil about the fact that they feel let down and hurt and intransigent about the whole deal. And they continue to feel this way for ever and ever...
Then there are people who take up the cudgels on anther's behalf, making someone else's fight their own, and carry this particular grudge for the rest of their lives - uselessly allowing it to drown out memories of happier times, a once-upon-a-time great relationship - letting the poison of rancor and bitterness eat into their very souls.
Why? What's the point of it all?
What's wrong with putting everything behind one, leaving behind the detritus of a ruined relationship and forging a new, kindlier one - which could perhaps be no more than just saying a cheerful "hi" - and carrying on without all that embittered baggage which is bound to affect, influence and perhaps destroy other, new and promising relationships?
Because the past always influences the future. Constant bitterness, constant rehashing of past hurts and slights and insults corode... changing the way you are, permanently disabling your very being, your inner soul, warping your emotions and turning you into a person you perhaps may not recognise years down the road.
At that point you don't want to ask yourself: what happened to me? When did I change? What made me change? Where did I go wrong? Why am I all alone today? Because at that point it may be too late to do anything about it...
Well so be it... speaking for myself that's the way I am. And, regardless of the consequences, I like being the way I am and will continue to do so...
But, what really begs the question is this: when should one forgive and forget? When should one turn one's cheek and when should one carry the whole weight of hurts and slights from the distant past into the far future? Should the baggage of hatred burden one to the extent that just thinking of the people who have hurt you makes you burst into a virulent rage... accompanied by some choice four letter words that sear the very atmosphere.
I know people who carry their slights and hurts, sometimes imagined, sometimes not, around with them letting their insides erode with hatred and anger. I know some who put people up on pedestals (even though they didn't ask for this particular perch in life)and then cavil about the fact that they feel let down and hurt and intransigent about the whole deal. And they continue to feel this way for ever and ever...
Then there are people who take up the cudgels on anther's behalf, making someone else's fight their own, and carry this particular grudge for the rest of their lives - uselessly allowing it to drown out memories of happier times, a once-upon-a-time great relationship - letting the poison of rancor and bitterness eat into their very souls.
Why? What's the point of it all?
What's wrong with putting everything behind one, leaving behind the detritus of a ruined relationship and forging a new, kindlier one - which could perhaps be no more than just saying a cheerful "hi" - and carrying on without all that embittered baggage which is bound to affect, influence and perhaps destroy other, new and promising relationships?
Because the past always influences the future. Constant bitterness, constant rehashing of past hurts and slights and insults corode... changing the way you are, permanently disabling your very being, your inner soul, warping your emotions and turning you into a person you perhaps may not recognise years down the road.
At that point you don't want to ask yourself: what happened to me? When did I change? What made me change? Where did I go wrong? Why am I all alone today? Because at that point it may be too late to do anything about it...
Thursday, December 18, 2008
What price advice?
Why oh why do people ask for advice?
Most people don't follow it when given. In fact, most people don't even like listening to it even though they actually ask for it or bring up the topic...
So why even ask? Just do what you think is right and then go for it, dude!!!
My friends and family have accused me of never listening to advice! Why should I if I don't intend to follow it, by and large? I will listen, factor it into my arguments and then do what I think is right... I have had friends who have...
Complained that people talk about them, interfere in their decision making process and so forth. My advice? Don't tell the world about your problems and they won't interfere! Simple.
When I left my first husband, my parents or siblings were totally unaware of my intentions. They didn't even know I had any problems. It was a decision I took, on my own...
I had another friend (past tense: she used to dump on me and then got upset because she didn't like what I told her!)who, for years, stressed out about whether she should leave her significant other half. Or not. She didn't. Nada! Nyet! Non! And why not? According to her, there were many reasons why not - kids, money, property, you name it, she got a reason that fits.
Methinks the lady doth protesteth too much! And rationalizing... who wants to give up wealth, comfort, convenience, social standing for an unknown future? Perfectly understandable but then admit it. Don't fool yourself that your reasons are anything other than what they are!
People rationalize quitting jobs... moving countries... cutting connections with friends... accepting or not accepting promotions. All I have to say is this: you can fool others most of the time, but stop fooling yourself!
Ultimately, you have to look at yourself in the mirror every morning and face up to realty. And the realty is: no pain, no gain.
Most people don't follow it when given. In fact, most people don't even like listening to it even though they actually ask for it or bring up the topic...
So why even ask? Just do what you think is right and then go for it, dude!!!
My friends and family have accused me of never listening to advice! Why should I if I don't intend to follow it, by and large? I will listen, factor it into my arguments and then do what I think is right... I have had friends who have...
Complained that people talk about them, interfere in their decision making process and so forth. My advice? Don't tell the world about your problems and they won't interfere! Simple.
When I left my first husband, my parents or siblings were totally unaware of my intentions. They didn't even know I had any problems. It was a decision I took, on my own...
I had another friend (past tense: she used to dump on me and then got upset because she didn't like what I told her!)who, for years, stressed out about whether she should leave her significant other half. Or not. She didn't. Nada! Nyet! Non! And why not? According to her, there were many reasons why not - kids, money, property, you name it, she got a reason that fits.
Methinks the lady doth protesteth too much! And rationalizing... who wants to give up wealth, comfort, convenience, social standing for an unknown future? Perfectly understandable but then admit it. Don't fool yourself that your reasons are anything other than what they are!
People rationalize quitting jobs... moving countries... cutting connections with friends... accepting or not accepting promotions. All I have to say is this: you can fool others most of the time, but stop fooling yourself!
Ultimately, you have to look at yourself in the mirror every morning and face up to realty. And the realty is: no pain, no gain.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Gratitude! A highly over-rated sentiment?
"Be grateful." "You ingrate!" "I have done sooo much for you..." And unspoken: "I have helped you when you needed it and now look how you treat me! I am not your friend anymore!"
How often have we all been at the receiving end of such sentiments? Or have thought these thoughts ourselves. But why do we all do this?
On a person to person basis we have all been helped out by friends and family. Or helped others out - people whom we are fond off or close to or to whom we owe a good turn to. But why do we all expect gratitude in return? Why can't human beings (or nations) help each other out without expecting the other party to be forever grateful?
One old friend helps out another old friend at a critical moment and then gets upset because he or she doesn't always jump to her/his bidding. "After all", the reasoning goes,"I helped out in a big way so why won't he/she jump to my bidding?"
Or one BIG country helps out a not-so-big developing country with vital food grains and then is completed shocked when the debtor refuses to kowtow in all matters of political philosophy.
And then you have the parents! Which parent (even the most tolerant, nicest, understanding, stay out of the child's hair kind) hasn't at some moment or the other thought: How can my child treat me like this? After all I have done, given, sacrificed, etc etc? (Is it more honest to expect gratitude and expect something in return - as in "I put you through IIT now marry the girl/boy I choose for you or look after me for the rest of my life, screw your wife's/husband's feelings" - or shut up and suffer feelings of hurt and rejection?
Why is it that anonymous donors can give big time to charity without expecting 24/7 gestures of gratitude ("No, no", says the donor, "it's nothing really!It's the least I can do!") but when it comes to personal gestures of help and handouts, then a lifetime of gratitude is the least one can expect in return.
Why can't good deeds remain just that, good deeds, with no expectations of returns on investment?
Is it because this flow of gratitude makes us feel better about ourselves? Helps to bolster our feelings of self-esteem? Makes us feel like we matter to some people at least? And gives us a raison de etre for living?
Why can't we just do good things for each other without expecting to be told that we are the greatest? That we really are the next best thing to sliced bread? That we make a difference in this uncaring and careless world?
How often have we all been at the receiving end of such sentiments? Or have thought these thoughts ourselves. But why do we all do this?
On a person to person basis we have all been helped out by friends and family. Or helped others out - people whom we are fond off or close to or to whom we owe a good turn to. But why do we all expect gratitude in return? Why can't human beings (or nations) help each other out without expecting the other party to be forever grateful?
One old friend helps out another old friend at a critical moment and then gets upset because he or she doesn't always jump to her/his bidding. "After all", the reasoning goes,"I helped out in a big way so why won't he/she jump to my bidding?"
Or one BIG country helps out a not-so-big developing country with vital food grains and then is completed shocked when the debtor refuses to kowtow in all matters of political philosophy.
And then you have the parents! Which parent (even the most tolerant, nicest, understanding, stay out of the child's hair kind) hasn't at some moment or the other thought: How can my child treat me like this? After all I have done, given, sacrificed, etc etc? (Is it more honest to expect gratitude and expect something in return - as in "I put you through IIT now marry the girl/boy I choose for you or look after me for the rest of my life, screw your wife's/husband's feelings" - or shut up and suffer feelings of hurt and rejection?
Why is it that anonymous donors can give big time to charity without expecting 24/7 gestures of gratitude ("No, no", says the donor, "it's nothing really!It's the least I can do!") but when it comes to personal gestures of help and handouts, then a lifetime of gratitude is the least one can expect in return.
Why can't good deeds remain just that, good deeds, with no expectations of returns on investment?
Is it because this flow of gratitude makes us feel better about ourselves? Helps to bolster our feelings of self-esteem? Makes us feel like we matter to some people at least? And gives us a raison de etre for living?
Why can't we just do good things for each other without expecting to be told that we are the greatest? That we really are the next best thing to sliced bread? That we make a difference in this uncaring and careless world?
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Stop the world I want to get off...
...but is that the answer? And if I do get off, where will I go? Aside from the Moon, Mars or... there are no desert islands left to run to any more!
I look around me at a world gone mad... taking me along with it... I am bombarded by moments and memories - conflicting and surreal, contradicting each other - leaving me exhausted trying to make sense of them all.
Which is the real India? Will the real India pleeeze stand up?
The in your face auto driver who speeds past my standing toes with millimetres to spare? Or the one who regales me with stories of how he is putting all his earnings into building a future for his three sons, one of whom is working and married at age 19; one who is going to college so he can become an IFS officer; and the youngest who will join the army.
Is it the mayhem in Mumbai? Those searing images of burning buildings, the iconic Taj and Oberoi exploding into the drawing rooms of millions of Indians, unctuous politicians, TRP hungry TV living off the public's hunger for information, sensationalism and the rage for retribution and justice?
Is it my 34 year old maid who got her daughters married off at the ages of 16/17 but is sending her young sons to boarding school so they can make something of themselves and are protected from the drug dealing, the violence, the disease and the corruption endemic in the chawls of our big cities?
Or is it India "shining" - with her urban youth running helter-skelter, at warp speed, hungry for fame and fortune leaving in the dust the controls and traditions beloved off their parents, into a bright, golden future which is now collapsing around them in glittering shards of broken dreams?
Or could it it be that India, populated by a people who still believe in making vows to the "powers that be" if their son, daughter, husband or any other family member is saved from a death dealing illness and who do the rounds of dargahs, temples and self-serving, saffron-robed holy men to ensure that their dreams come true?
Or is it the star-spangled denizens of Bollywood, the Page 3 movers and shakers, around whom acolytes revolve in ever faster circles pulling vast swathes of Indians, young and old, into a maelstrom of idol worship and adulation?
Or finally, is it the India that has been suddenly reborn, that has emerged Phoenix-like from the ashes of the death and destruction that has rained down on all of us; young, angry, justice-seeking, won't put-up-with-all-this-crap-any more India, that has taken to the streets, roads, lanes, parks and highways... demanding answers, action, a complete over-haul of the body politic; a young, vibrant, finally coming of age India asking that the India of all our dreams (for the last 60 plus years) finally become a realty the way our founding fathers had envisaged it to be at the midnight hour of 15th August, 1947?
Which is the real India? And is it now time for her to actually emerge from the shadows and take her place in the sun? Are we finally going to keep our tryst with destiny?
I look around me at a world gone mad... taking me along with it... I am bombarded by moments and memories - conflicting and surreal, contradicting each other - leaving me exhausted trying to make sense of them all.
Which is the real India? Will the real India pleeeze stand up?
The in your face auto driver who speeds past my standing toes with millimetres to spare? Or the one who regales me with stories of how he is putting all his earnings into building a future for his three sons, one of whom is working and married at age 19; one who is going to college so he can become an IFS officer; and the youngest who will join the army.
Is it the mayhem in Mumbai? Those searing images of burning buildings, the iconic Taj and Oberoi exploding into the drawing rooms of millions of Indians, unctuous politicians, TRP hungry TV living off the public's hunger for information, sensationalism and the rage for retribution and justice?
Is it my 34 year old maid who got her daughters married off at the ages of 16/17 but is sending her young sons to boarding school so they can make something of themselves and are protected from the drug dealing, the violence, the disease and the corruption endemic in the chawls of our big cities?
Or is it India "shining" - with her urban youth running helter-skelter, at warp speed, hungry for fame and fortune leaving in the dust the controls and traditions beloved off their parents, into a bright, golden future which is now collapsing around them in glittering shards of broken dreams?
Or could it it be that India, populated by a people who still believe in making vows to the "powers that be" if their son, daughter, husband or any other family member is saved from a death dealing illness and who do the rounds of dargahs, temples and self-serving, saffron-robed holy men to ensure that their dreams come true?
Or is it the star-spangled denizens of Bollywood, the Page 3 movers and shakers, around whom acolytes revolve in ever faster circles pulling vast swathes of Indians, young and old, into a maelstrom of idol worship and adulation?
Or finally, is it the India that has been suddenly reborn, that has emerged Phoenix-like from the ashes of the death and destruction that has rained down on all of us; young, angry, justice-seeking, won't put-up-with-all-this-crap-any more India, that has taken to the streets, roads, lanes, parks and highways... demanding answers, action, a complete over-haul of the body politic; a young, vibrant, finally coming of age India asking that the India of all our dreams (for the last 60 plus years) finally become a realty the way our founding fathers had envisaged it to be at the midnight hour of 15th August, 1947?
Which is the real India? And is it now time for her to actually emerge from the shadows and take her place in the sun? Are we finally going to keep our tryst with destiny?
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